Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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