He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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