oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
