I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
