so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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