Sry I called you an 8
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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