Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize