Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
