Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
