drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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