at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
