the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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