On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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