remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
