You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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