why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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