He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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