Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize