I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
