He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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