if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
