he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
sex in a hospital.. check
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
