drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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