Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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