do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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