Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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