see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
