U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
