Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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