My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
