we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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