I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
