I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
