I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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