omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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