you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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