Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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