apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize