It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
