I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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