So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
