Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
