after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
