If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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