He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize