If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
