I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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