I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
