remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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