I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize