Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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