I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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