Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
