I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize