my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize