He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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