just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
