Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
