I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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