So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
